I survived having five miscarriages. This is what all that pain taught me about hope

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The flimsy white paper sheet wasn’t enough to hide the rattle of my shaking knees. After five pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and a few ultrasounds accompanying each one, sitting in an exam chair was not a neutral experience for me. I had done my best to keep my expectations low, but the longing I felt to meet this baby that I prayed was growing inside me could not be suppressed. I was eight weeks pregnant and the picture on the screen would tell me everything I needed to know about whether I could continue to hope to hold this baby in my arms or if grief would scoop this baby away to be carried only in my heart.

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