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Good evening, you capitalist pigs. You know, there once was a time when I loved my audience. You were the smartest, bravest, most unique collection of people anywhere. Most of you were paper-trained and could take a punch. It’s like a circus except all the bearded ladies are at swim meets.
But then I picked up a copy of Forbes magazine while I was in the waiting room at my gynecologist. You know, they once loved their audience, too. But no more. You remember, the magazine used to be focused on helping readers invest money, build wealth and achieve better lives for themselves and their families. They were bought by a front for China’s sovereign wealth fund. But I’m sure that wouldn’t influence the viewpoints. Right?
But now, thanks to Forbes, I finally understand that wealth is actually evil. Just like the readers.
This from the magazine founded by Malcolm Forbes, a man so loaded, he had Faberge eggs for breakfast. And, of course, you know what that means. Capitalism is evil, which means America is evil. Which means all of you are evil. Just like Shannon Bream. Yeah, Forbes has your number terrible people.